Hey There Hayden

I'm a transgender male. I'm also biromantic, but I have a preference for females. I've had little crushes here and there. I've had 2 big ones though, but they all have something in common: they're nothing compared to what I've had for the past three years. My school isn't very accepting though and I haven't transitioned so I still LOOK like a female. An ugly one at that. I'm not anything special, but she is. Ever since freshman year, I've noticed her in every class and every hall. I could give you a good estimate on far our lockers are from each other. It's not creepy, right? I hadn't put a label on it until a couple of weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about her when we're in Spanish. She's loud and obnoxious, yet quiet and gentle. I can tell that there's something deeper there, but I have no clue as to what. Today her dance team performed at a pep assembly and I did nothing but stare. Is that bad? She's funny and I...

It's easier to write in the dark. The cover of night allows me to show myself the things that I show no one else. I've been lying for months. And I actually believed my lies for a short while until I got a wake up call. So here I am to confess to you, my readers, I'm not as well as I've been telling people. If you read my blog, you know that, but those who are actually in my life don't know. I don't think I want them to know either. I hate being so lonely,yet it feels so good. It courses through my body and sucks out any and all energy I have. It's like Heroin. It's poison and you know it, but you don't care cause It's so. Damn. Addicting. I tried to ween myself off, but here I am crawling back to it. Or maybe I never stopped at all. I just got used to it being there so I became numb. Something slapped me back into feeling, but I don't know what. I know one thing: I'm in this alone.