I know what I said

I know I said that this was going to be happier and lighter, but I don't think so. And since no one actually reads this, I don't really give a damn. I don't really give a damn about anything these days. It's like my days are all blending together and melting into one another. They're heating up, filled with my rage and helplessness. Filled with thoughts of what a weak bitch I am. These little thoughts make up my days and they're little grains of sand getting hotter and hotter until they melt into glass. This glass is perfectly see through. No one can see it coming and when it hits them then this glass is a nuisance and it's walked around or pushed away. I can't control my depression anymore, it's hard. Like really hard just to go through my day feeling like a fucked up, self loathing bitch and still put up this smile. It's not even a good one. They think I'm getting better. I have my days but I'm getting better right? I'm looking to the future right? I'm slowly freeing myself right? No! I'm not. I'm still haunted by my past AND present. I can't get away from it and when I think of the future it's all muddied and broken. Like me. I'm broken. I'm running and running and running, but I'm not going any where dammit! It's still there. I just want it to go. Go away and never once cross my mind. It's not going away. And it feels like it never will. So I'll put on my mask. My fake smile and my lies. I'll just keep pretending I'm okay while I slowly die from the inside out. But in reality I'm still small and weak. I always have been and I always will be. I'm outtie.

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