Hey There Hayden

Seriously life?? What the actual fuck? After finally doing good in school, eating right for like 2 weeks, joining a sport to work out, and being honest with the one I like, you throw depression back in my face?? Why? Being numb is a necessity in my house and depression kicked its way back in and ignited all of the negative feelings that I thought I'd moved on from. I'm back to square one. FUCK YOU TOO LIFE!! I've been so angry and frustrated and broken these last days. I can't bring myself to tell you because I can't do it in a way without tears and shouting. A part of me knows that you have to know though, hence this post. A bigger part of me feels hopeless because I need to be whole before entering into a relationship and I was closer than I ever had been. Ever. Now here I am back at the fucking start. I have to find a way to try and gather all of the shards of me and somehow piece this together again. Fuck life. I was so close to being happy. Life took it away an...

I'm torn between "I wanna sing her an awesome song" and "Oh my god I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing". I've been listening to a lot of songs lately and it's like they all fit how I feel about her. I don't know. I'm gonna hold off on the singing cause I don't want her to run away with bloody ears lol. That's all I wanted to say though.

I asked you, "Why? Why me out of anyone else." You told me it was the little things and I loved that post that you had made. So when you asked me to make one answering the same question I was like, "I can't top hers! Hers was so much better and sweeter and--" yeah, you get the point. But I was thinking about it and I don't need to 'top' yours because yours is always going to be the best. Just like you always have been since I first met you. You weren't afraid to challenge me and call me on my shit, you stayed with me through the toughest parts and you helped me so much even though you had no idea. It may have been the little things for you, but for me it was a combination of the big and the little things. It was your laugh and your loyalty. I knew I like you, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to bring you into my fucked up little world, but I did. You turned a dying garden into a garden bursting with life. I didn't choose you, I fou...

I have a confession to make...I actually like hugs. It has to be when I'm in the mood though because if I'm not it gets really awkward and there's a 100% chance of someone getting hit. I don't know why but I'm either one extreme or the other. I'm either craving a hug or I can't handle one. I don't know, it also has to be the right person. It's harder to hug my friends than a stranger. I know, I know, it's hella weird. I think it's cause I get so awkward and I don't want my friends to see me being awkward and weird more than they already do. I also REFUSE to hug someone if I think I'm gross. Like if I'm sick or sweaty or generally ew. I guess I'm just so specific with who when and where people can hug me that it's just become easier to say that I don't wanna be hugged at all.

When I look at her, I get this weird sense of security and safety. It's like I could put my life in her hands and trust her to guard it. I've never felt that with anyone at all, not even my parents. I like her a lot, and I don't wanna waste any time in showing her that again and again and again. I want her to know that to me, she is definitely the most beautiful girl at this school with the cutest eyes and adorable hair. I want her to know that I'm here for her through good and bad and that I'm also trying to make my life better. I wanna be better for her but also for myself and my friends. I'm tired of being depressed all the time and having no confidence. I'm tired of always trying to please others and do what they need. Don't get me wrong, I love to help my friends, but I need to make time to help myself too. If I want her to be with me for real(in a relationship) I gotta get my shit together. I'm wasting no time getting started either.  "...

I fucked up, just like always. A year ago I had an opportunity to be with someone I was and still am crushing on. I said no because I knew I wasn't ready. I don't regret that though because I needed that year to mature and learn some stuff. I thought I was ready last week, but I guess I wasn't and now she thinks I'm playing games with her and that she's some rebound girl. I didn't mean for anything to turn out that way, she definitely is not my rebound girl because I'd always choose her over him. I'd do anything to protect her from my mom. I'd do anything to protect her from myself because she deserves more than this. I'd do anything to protect her from her own demons, but I can't because I can't ever get close enough to throw a punch at them. It's like I'm stuck on the other side of a glass wall that separates her friends and acquaintances. I don't think I'm on the friend side. I get why though, I was mean and harsh, and ...

The Howler is back After much hibernation, she has returned