Senseless love

I fucked up, just like always. A year ago I had an opportunity to be with someone I was and still am crushing on. I said no because I knew I wasn't ready. I don't regret that though because I needed that year to mature and learn some stuff. I thought I was ready last week, but I guess I wasn't and now she thinks I'm playing games with her and that she's some rebound girl. I didn't mean for anything to turn out that way, she definitely is not my rebound girl because I'd always choose her over him. I'd do anything to protect her from my mom. I'd do anything to protect her from myself because she deserves more than this. I'd do anything to protect her from her own demons, but I can't because I can't ever get close enough to throw a punch at them. It's like I'm stuck on the other side of a glass wall that separates her friends and acquaintances. I don't think I'm on the friend side. I get why though, I was mean and harsh, and stupid. I fucked it up for myself. I don't know, I just need to stop trying to be funny cause it always gets me in trouble. I've always liked making people laugh, but I can't if I keep hurting people. There have been too many times where a joke isn't a joke and I find out that I've fucked it up again. I want to try to get her back, but she doesn't want me to. She's moved on, but at least I can say I helped her with that.

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