13 Reasons Why and me

Some of you may know about the entire "13 Reasons why" controversy about people getting triggered by the more...graphic scenes. I saw the first season and I paid for it by my depression being super triggered. I remember watching that last episode and feeling so heavy on the inside. The show literally weighed me down for a solid month but I didn't tell anyone because it felt so silly to be so upset over a show. A good show, I might add. As a guy who deals with  depression and suicidal thoughts, I can't believe I thought it was a good idea to watch that damn show. I even attempted suicide and when I saw Hannah in that tub, just sitting there trying to follow through it brought me right back to when I tried the same thing. Then she slices her skin and the blood comes out and I remember how I dreamed of that for a super long time. Sometimes I still do. Knowing this, you'd probably tell me to stay away from season 2. I told myself the same thing. I watched it anyways. This season was different. I still feel heavy and depressed like last time, but they really focused on the sexual assault themes this time. I wish I'd prepared myself. I wasn't ready for the sudden flashbacks and graphic scenes of people being raped. It kept me up all night. No, really it's 5 in the fucking morning and I have to be up in a 30 mins. In the last episode, the jocks shove a mop stick...up a guy's ass. I was so fucking horrified I started crying. I literally cried for him. I know it's not real, but I guess I kinda understand how violating that is. How painful that was. There were a lot of scenes of Bryce(Main antagonist) fucking girls. Sometimes he had consent but the way he rationalized it to them was all too familiar. I'm so mad at myself right now. Why did I watch this?? Why didn't I do my research?? Why didn't I stop the damn episode? Why didn't I tell myself no???? Why didn't I tell him no? This was such a mistake.

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