Senseless love

I fucked up, just like always. A year ago I had an opportunity to be with someone I was and still am crushing on. I said no because I knew I wasn't ready. I don't regret that though because I needed that year to mature and learn some stuff. I thought I was ready last week, but I guess I wasn't and now she thinks I'm playing games with her and that she's some rebound girl. I didn't mean for anything to turn out that way, she definitely is not my rebound girl because I'd always choose her over him. I'd do anything to protect her from my mom. I'd do anything to protect her from myself because she deserves more than this. I'd do anything to protect her from her own demons, but I can't because I can't ever get close enough to throw a punch at them. It's like I'm stuck on the other side of a glass wall that separates her friends and acquaintances. I don't think I'm on the friend side. I get why though, I was mean and harsh, and stupid. I fucked it up for myself. I don't know, I just need to stop trying to be funny cause it always gets me in trouble. I've always liked making people laugh, but I can't if I keep hurting people. There have been too many times where a joke isn't a joke and I find out that I've fucked it up again. I want to try to get her back, but she doesn't want me to. She's moved on, but at least I can say I helped her with that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Truth

What do you do when you look around and all you see is bits and pieces of your life swirling in a raging storm around you? What do you do when all of those that care are on the outside looking in, and no one can reach you? What do you do when the eye of the storm closes in on you, but no one else can see it? What if you can't tell them? If I'm being honest I don't know. But I do know that no storm lasts forever, so we have to stand strong while it takes it course. It can be tiring, frustrating, saddening, and lonely, but just know that there are others that are trying to do the same. Besides, after the storm, there's always reconstruction in which you can do anything. You can rebuild or build something newer, wiser, and better than ever before. Although no one can completely get in that storm with you, we are all there until it passes so we may be of any help. In the meantime, we are there carefully watching, waiting and making sure you're breathing and alive. We
Read more

Here's the thing...

Hello again! I'm just trying to process something and it always helps to write things down and keep track of it. You know, pros and cons. But I thought about how I have't really done anything too creative yet either. So this is a mix of both and I'm just writing this on the spot to be honest. Hopefully it turns out okay-ish. p.s. I'll refer to myself as "Grace" and not my birth name cause I'd like to keep that off of here. Grace. My birth name. The name I've been called for 16 years. Ever since I was little they've slowly been feeding me bits of this identity. I tried to build myself off of this identity, but it wasn't right. Now I know why. Because the stuff they fed me was not right. It didn't meet my needs, so now I'm slowly changing. Online, I'm known as Hayden. My friends know about me. As soon as I go home I am Grace yet again. My friends don't call me Hayden in school. They don't call me Hayden on the bus or real
Read more

I wish I were wrong

So this is not my first blog. This is actually a relocation of my last blog, so I'm gonna repost some of my old stuff throughout the upcoming months. I'll also be writing new stuff and posting that. I wanted to make this blog because I want to be me. The real me. I can't be me in real life because no one accepts me, but the internet allows me to skip time to where I see myself in a few years. It's amazing. And no, this is not me confessing to cat fishing people. I present myself as who I feel I am and tell them that I'm living as the opposite in real life. I am a guy. I know and I can feel it, it's just so...right. My name is Hayden. I am a 16(close to 17) year old boy. I like video games and, if I'm being honest, Pretty Little liars. However, I wasn't born this way. To my family I'm a girl. I was born a girl. My parents found out and they don't accept because it's a "sin" to be the way I am. I eventually gave up and let them win. I
Read more