Hey There Hayden

 I just reread all my old posts. There's such a darkness around them. I read them and I can feel the pain, the anger, the sadness, the suffering. Even in the positive ones. I love that I kept saying "this is my last post...for real". There won't be a last post. Not until the day I die. As busy as my life is, I can't forget the history this blog has and I think it's something I'll always come back to. So let's get into an update now. I've left my mom's house and I have very limited contact with her. I still have a lot of pain and trauma from living with her but my dogs help me get through it. I have 2 rescue dogs and absolutely adore them. Duke and Raisin are my entire world. I came out. I'm finally Hayden 100% of the time. No one really knows my dead name but my mom still calls me by it and insists that I'm going to hell. Oh well. Also, I got top surgery this year!! I'm so happy with my transition and it's helped my mental healt...

You know what? You should really appreciate your life because it can be taken away in an instant. If that's why you think you want--then you're wrong. I tried to kill myself the day after my birthday and was very close to succeeding. I just got out of the hospital yesterday afternoon and holy shit-I'm so happy I can pee and shower without being watched. I hated it and think I might have gotten PTSD from it or something because it was absolutely awful. Just ew......

I've been up since 1AM and it's now 4AM. Smoking, wandering, thinking. This is weird. I need a drink. My breaths were visible on this starry night. A cancer stick was between my lips while I tried to find familiarity in the stars. Like the good old times, I tried to find the dippers. I can proudly tell you I found them but after that, my distraction was gone. I was forced with a choice. A metaphorical one of course. On one side was college. It represented a jail cell, A life that didn't feel free. and the other side? It was the real world. It looked magical honestly. I wanted to run right into it. I got to the end of my cigarette And I realized that to get there, sacrifices had to be made so I turned And went right back to my prison. The dippers were lost to time by the way. I should know. I checked before going back to Watson with my menthol stained hands.

INTRODUCTION You don't fit in this new life of mine, yet here you are. You weaseled yourself back in. Not actually, we still aren't friends, but metaphorically. For the first time in forever, I was hopeful and I won't let you ruin it so here I am. I'm here to vent, and honestly, I hope you see this. I'm mad--no--furious at you. You'd think after a month of detox, it'd all go away but it hasn't and your dumb ass drama is driving me crazy! Where do I begin with you? There's just so much--too much. I'm going to make a detailed list of everything I'm mad about. Enjoy the exposure you should've gotten a long time ago. **Also, I have viewers who don't know us so I will explain everything from my point of view and what I remember** PART I I was there through Sharon and Don, I know that shit sucked. Are abusive parents ever good though? But here's the thing, other people have lives and issues too. When Wendy was going through some...

You would not believe how my life has changed so much in a measly 3 months. I was thinking about it and decided that I needed to write it down, to document it. In 3 months, I'm o longer living in an abusive, toxic house and have cut ALL toxic people out of my life. I've learned that I need to be strong enough to blow past the drama and the fights and just cut them off. It's that simple. I've gotten a new gaming computer, gotten more into DnD and other RPG games, and now have a fish in which I adore. I think he's given me 3 gray hairs already and It's only been 5 days! Everyday, is a new adventure and I can choose how I want it to play out. Before it was always decided by my family, some toxic friends and my lack of motivation. I'm still working on the motivation part, but oh my god. My life is so different and I'm much happier now with the people in my life, with what I'm spending my time on. I found a guy that I really like. We went out on a date on...

The first draft of my book is up on Wattpad for all of you to see and read! I've been working on it since September and I'm proud of it. It needs a lot of work, but I'm working on that too. I'm going to leave a preview of one of my favorite chapters for you guys on here, but you need the synopsis first. It's a gay werewolf book to put it simply. Oliver thought he was normal until Duncan came in and turned his upside down and what's worse? It will never end! Through disappearances, evil queens, wars and other things, Duncan and Oliver find out that maybe it's not such a bad thing. A couple of important notes: Werewolves found him and he's coming up with an escape plan. This is Oliver's POV. Enjoy! "THEY WHAT?!?" Martha screamed at me, standing up in her chair. I cringed a little, but after my initial shame, I got up and yelled right back at her. "DON'T YELL AT ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THEY COULD SMELL ME AT COLLEGE." Sh...

I won't regret this. I won't. Although you may regret reading this. Lately, I've been wanting post really bad and now I am which is good. I guess I was just afraid that you'd read it. It's a hard thing to post again after a big fight like the one we had but here it goes. ============================= We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it And if you ask me how I'm feeling Don't tell me you'...

There will be one more post.  I can't leave it at what it's at right now. I just can't. I know I said I wouldn't reply, but I guess I lied. Wendy, I will NEVER hate you. Ever. Period. End of story. You were the first one that stuck with me through all of my bullshit. I hate it when we fight because it feels like I'm close to losing the only one who actually gives a slight fuck about me. I'm also partly to blame for all of this too. As much as it kills me, I did harass you and I'm so sorry. I figured it out last night and it was like a part of me was the beast I've tried so hard to get away from. I know how it feels to be harassed and violated in such a way and I'd never wish it on anyone. Not even my mother. I'm so sorry for that and I'll never be able to say it enough. If you need me I'm here. Always. I can't even pretend that I'm not hurting without you. You've been the only thing I could think about for the past week. I...

To all 8 of my readers, I just want you to know that I'm not posting anymore. Is it sad? Yeah, it is. Sorry for the inconveniences, but it's time to end this blog. I'll keep it up to look at previous writings, but this is the last new one. Bye guys :) NEW HORIZONS HAYDEN WRITES I look out into this big new world  The vigorous wind swirled around me causing tears  This new horizon causes my fears to come out and eat me alive but I know I'll survive The ground is 1000ft away No looking down today I must jump I hear my fragile heart thump I must learn to fly I can't die not when I'm so close Times slows I leap into the new world

Seriously life?? What the actual fuck? After finally doing good in school, eating right for like 2 weeks, joining a sport to work out, and being honest with the one I like, you throw depression back in my face?? Why? Being numb is a necessity in my house and depression kicked its way back in and ignited all of the negative feelings that I thought I'd moved on from. I'm back to square one. FUCK YOU TOO LIFE!! I've been so angry and frustrated and broken these last days. I can't bring myself to tell you because I can't do it in a way without tears and shouting. A part of me knows that you have to know though, hence this post. A bigger part of me feels hopeless because I need to be whole before entering into a relationship and I was closer than I ever had been. Ever. Now here I am back at the fucking start. I have to find a way to try and gather all of the shards of me and somehow piece this together again. Fuck life. I was so close to being happy. Life took it away an...

I'm torn between "I wanna sing her an awesome song" and "Oh my god I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing". I've been listening to a lot of songs lately and it's like they all fit how I feel about her. I don't know. I'm gonna hold off on the singing cause I don't want her to run away with bloody ears lol. That's all I wanted to say though.

I asked you, "Why? Why me out of anyone else." You told me it was the little things and I loved that post that you had made. So when you asked me to make one answering the same question I was like, "I can't top hers! Hers was so much better and sweeter and--" yeah, you get the point. But I was thinking about it and I don't need to 'top' yours because yours is always going to be the best. Just like you always have been since I first met you. You weren't afraid to challenge me and call me on my shit, you stayed with me through the toughest parts and you helped me so much even though you had no idea. It may have been the little things for you, but for me it was a combination of the big and the little things. It was your laugh and your loyalty. I knew I like you, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to bring you into my fucked up little world, but I did. You turned a dying garden into a garden bursting with life. I didn't choose you, I fou...

I have a confession to make...I actually like hugs. It has to be when I'm in the mood though because if I'm not it gets really awkward and there's a 100% chance of someone getting hit. I don't know why but I'm either one extreme or the other. I'm either craving a hug or I can't handle one. I don't know, it also has to be the right person. It's harder to hug my friends than a stranger. I know, I know, it's hella weird. I think it's cause I get so awkward and I don't want my friends to see me being awkward and weird more than they already do. I also REFUSE to hug someone if I think I'm gross. Like if I'm sick or sweaty or generally ew. I guess I'm just so specific with who when and where people can hug me that it's just become easier to say that I don't wanna be hugged at all.

When I look at her, I get this weird sense of security and safety. It's like I could put my life in her hands and trust her to guard it. I've never felt that with anyone at all, not even my parents. I like her a lot, and I don't wanna waste any time in showing her that again and again and again. I want her to know that to me, she is definitely the most beautiful girl at this school with the cutest eyes and adorable hair. I want her to know that I'm here for her through good and bad and that I'm also trying to make my life better. I wanna be better for her but also for myself and my friends. I'm tired of being depressed all the time and having no confidence. I'm tired of always trying to please others and do what they need. Don't get me wrong, I love to help my friends, but I need to make time to help myself too. If I want her to be with me for real(in a relationship) I gotta get my shit together. I'm wasting no time getting started either.  "...

I fucked up, just like always. A year ago I had an opportunity to be with someone I was and still am crushing on. I said no because I knew I wasn't ready. I don't regret that though because I needed that year to mature and learn some stuff. I thought I was ready last week, but I guess I wasn't and now she thinks I'm playing games with her and that she's some rebound girl. I didn't mean for anything to turn out that way, she definitely is not my rebound girl because I'd always choose her over him. I'd do anything to protect her from my mom. I'd do anything to protect her from myself because she deserves more than this. I'd do anything to protect her from her own demons, but I can't because I can't ever get close enough to throw a punch at them. It's like I'm stuck on the other side of a glass wall that separates her friends and acquaintances. I don't think I'm on the friend side. I get why though, I was mean and harsh, and ...

The Howler is back After much hibernation, she has returned

What do you do when you look around and all you see is bits and pieces of your life swirling in a raging storm around you? What do you do when all of those that care are on the outside looking in, and no one can reach you? What do you do when the eye of the storm closes in on you, but no one else can see it? What if you can't tell them? If I'm being honest I don't know. But I do know that no storm lasts forever, so we have to stand strong while it takes it course. It can be tiring, frustrating, saddening, and lonely, but just know that there are others that are trying to do the same. Besides, after the storm, there's always reconstruction in which you can do anything. You can rebuild or build something newer, wiser, and better than ever before. Although no one can completely get in that storm with you, we are all there until it passes so we may be of any help. In the meantime, we are there carefully watching, waiting and making sure you're breathing and alive. We ...

Though it is a bit cloudy and humid and sticky, we must move on. we will move forward. We have soaked in the pain that life poured on us, but that pain is gone for now so we may continue on with more ease. The road ahead of us is still wet so caution must always be in our minds but we have no choice but to go forward. The bitter air is like life's disappointments that lurk around me and you and you and you too. We always feel the bitterness when inhaling. Oh well. We are still slaves to this miserable road. The stupid road is hated by many but not all. Some see that even though it's drab and depressing...it's also beautiful. Even if the conditions of this shitty journey suck, I gotta admit that it has a charm to it. Maybe that why I haven't run deep into the woods yet. Maybe that's why I've stayed on this road for so long and will continue to do so.

Some of you may know about the entire "13 Reasons why" controversy about people getting triggered by the more...graphic scenes. I saw the first season and I paid for it by my depression being super triggered. I remember watching that last episode and feeling so heavy on the inside. The show literally weighed me down for a solid month but I didn't tell anyone because it felt so silly to be so upset over a show. A good show, I might add. As a guy who deals with  depression and suicidal thoughts, I can't believe I thought it was a good idea to watch that damn show. I even attempted suicide and when I saw Hannah in that tub, just sitting there trying to follow through it brought me right back to when I tried the same thing. Then she slices her skin and the blood comes out and I remember how I dreamed of that for a super long time. Sometimes I still do. Knowing this, you'd probably tell me to stay away from season 2. I told myself the same thing. I watched it anyways. ...

I'm a transgender male. I'm also biromantic, but I have a preference for females. I've had little crushes here and there. I've had 2 big ones though, but they all have something in common: they're nothing compared to what I've had for the past three years. My school isn't very accepting though and I haven't transitioned so I still LOOK like a female. An ugly one at that. I'm not anything special, but she is. Ever since freshman year, I've noticed her in every class and every hall. I could give you a good estimate on far our lockers are from each other. It's not creepy, right? I hadn't put a label on it until a couple of weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about her when we're in Spanish. She's loud and obnoxious, yet quiet and gentle. I can tell that there's something deeper there, but I have no clue as to what. Today her dance team performed at a pep assembly and I did nothing but stare. Is that bad? She's funny and I...